Today I went to Hmart, and found my favorite kimbop from Korea. Throwback to my travels, I’m about to flood my page with life updates. I’ve graduated from University, and moved to DC, where I have a job working alongside the government for an international nonprofit that deals with robotics and unmanned systems.
“I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget a single moment of it.”
|—||Amy Pond, Dr Who|
I hate oh hundred level classes. Theyve annoyed me since I transferred because they stand for everything I cant control and the piece of me that thinks I’m above the standard and the exception is represented in this annoyance.
But today, I went to the first class of my last semester. And this oh hundred was different. Maybe it wasnt the class at all but the chain of events long coming that all made sense as I sat down in this class and realized…We all fall off the wagon, life stops making total sense, you lose sight of your goals, and you end up wandering and feeling a little uncertain and like a waste. Ive been aware of this feeling for a while now, the past year I’ve felt lost in myself, and knowing i needed to make a change, to regain direction and Ive had a lot of wake up moments that made it really clear that I needed to do better, but nothing to actually make it happen. I sat next to a man on an airplane a few trips ago, we discussed On China, by Kissenger, and how to accomplish or rather grasp your goals. He gave me some great advice about working hard and pouring your soul into your work, because you only have one chance and the time you work hard is limited compared to the reward…and it made sense, it clicked, but I didnt do anything with the advice. Like i said, I had a few of these events happen, some self guided, holy crap Im so much better than this, others with the intervention of others, that were just simple philosophical discussions that were beautifully unexpected.
I can remember the things I used to want to be. In fairly accurate order. Ive always quietly dreamed of being president, but it seemed too simple, because its honestly, a realistic goal. I can remember early on wanting to be a marine biologist, I was going to go to sea world and be a whale trainer, while spending winters studying water samples of ocean inlets, exploring sea life. Ive always had this zoologist idea, and it makes sense. When I was in high school, I had this idea that I would be a musician or an artist, very regina spektor and amanda palmer esque, after all I owed my sanity to them, when I was a so misunderstood emo youth, which we could get into a circular argument that I still am and how hipster. ew. discussion…I thought Id be a drummer, piano playing, angsty and expressive singer who would make artsy misfit people all over feel happy and represented but that one seems the most foolish to me. I am creative, but I hate paint slapped on canvas art, and being a whaling raspy singer is too similar, writing blog posts for adoring fans to “like” and long to be like you… Id rather no one read this and have it go lost than gain a following based on people who know me and feel so akin through one song. But its songs like the ones i put down that have brought me to where I am at this second, 2 songs in particular about grasping your future and achieving what youve dreamed despite what people tell you that is making everything make sense. and naturally ive entertained a million other ideas along the way, a social worker and doctor, a physiologist, ive also loved helping people, and none of this ideas seem dumb to me, the one that is dumb is being an artist, because slapping paint on a canvas and hoping someone else feels it, it just seems like a waste. and to me thats what singing about my feelings would be, so the only way id ever be a successful artist it to be a cover band and that just…doesnt seem pleasant.
Ive deviated from my dream, I stopped caring and put it off thinking it would just come at me, instead life came at me. And I guess college is the time to have a lost year of time where you mess up and make mistakes and feel foolish but Ill honestly say i hate being made a fool and i had admitting I was wrong, I dont know where in the past year I was wrong but… I know I wasnt meeting my own personal expectations of success, and I claim that as long as you learn from what youve done your on the right track, i still feel somehow let down. but proud. Because Ive gotten to this moment.
I started college instantly knowing I would study politics and language, it wasnt a question. I directly fell into sociology and environmental studies without looking or thinking twice, and then traveled the world doing something so spur of the moment but yet so perfect. Somehow, I quietly brought together my track, economics, health and politics. Its art to me, I couldnt create something that is more beautiful, but somehow i started kidding myself that I could give it up and be happy when all along the plan was to do something crazy, but what isnt crazy is the realistic nature of how acheivable it is. To just pick up and move, The large dream is to be an ambassador, or a secretary of a department with the government. Its not funny to me because as I claim, its all too simple and real. Its actually something I can do. my first dream plan was to get a job with the German government but i know I can do better than that. If the goal is to move to a position with the state department, there are simply too many ways I can do that… But what seems like an ideal to me is doing field work abroad, going into villages and towns and doing health and environmental work, educating and helping, being present. To me, thats saving the world. Ive always known I wanted to be someone, and i never doubted it would happen, and I still dont. call me pretentious or full of it, but even if its in my own way. I know ill succeed. I only make this proclamation because ive felt so unsure of myself for so long. but at the same time ive remained steady in this idea since day one. I would graduate, find a job in the city, and that job would be a NGO or governmental position that would allow me to move to India or some country in Africa, and help people, Id fall in love, and hed be with me, and Id be the girl who people talk about at reunions that people reference to as oh shes somewhere in a jungle. Id send home christmas cards of my first born riding on an elephant, and write about my experience in Siberian winter, and the work ive been doing with tribes, teaching children to read and write, and it sounds so wonderful, and Id move home eventually, have e a stable address, and have a family, and still go on missions on the side.
I guess where i still waiver is that im unsure of the future. Scared really, that it wont happen, that there isnt someone out there who shares my crazy, awareness of the world and level of intellect and ill be alone or settle for someone who is stupid, and its terrifying. because I want it so bad and lately, everything I thought ive had, when i thought i had certainty, was lost. So ive learned to only focus on what I can control, which is myself, that I am the master of my happiness, and i determine my future, and I need to be the keeper of my dreams, because no one else in the world is looking out for them…
SO. Im preparing for my last semester, organizing my life and my future. I am applying for jobs, everywhere… and Ill see where I go, I always assumed it would be DC or Europe Or africa or asia… but the thing is, id be happy anywhere, doing mostly anything… as long as it falls into those guidelines. I still fancy myself a doctor, and an artist, a lover of animals and life… but Ive always been a politician. I guess we all are. some of us are just more interested in it. But I should full circle to the point here…
I sat in my Political theory oh hundred class today and was reminded why I am who I am, why i care about the things I do….and I guess the point is. That I’m happy with who I am. And all of the bumps along the way, havent really changed that. and I guess it makes me laugh even more at myself, that I sit here smiling, thinking about how a simple political theory class is the thing that makes me remember that.
So heres to Plato and Rousseau.. and all the other thinkers that I adore. Im regaining focus on myself. My happiness, my future and my destiny… because I want it. And while Ive gotten caught up in things beyond my control… I have few regrets about how Ive lived and what ive done, and while the changes Id like to make have happened in the past year… Ill try to accept that I cant. and try to focus on what I can do. Ive never really lost my dream. and hopefully there is someone out their that adores that about me. And I suppose it only is so scary because I know it is all possible for me, its all something I can actually do.
So tumblr land, I hope you look forward to the follow up posts on my political thinking, I guess i couldnt leave you hanging after political theory was my epiphany…in the mean time. if youre wondering about the songs that helped me get here? Its a lot of foo fighters, a lot of ben kweller, a lot of amanda palmer, and Chronic Future. Namely the song New York, NY by Chronic Future. and In my Mind by Amanda Palmer
|—||Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe|
My blog hasnt been updated in months, And im behind on travel updates, although I have not strayed far lately, I pray that soon I’ll wander again.
I do have a lot to put up on my page that I havent discussed.
I’ve been incredibly busy in 2012, especially in the end of it, preparing for my last semester of school and moving on in life and transitioning into a career. Nearly everything that could change in my life has, save living arrangements, which thank god is still stable, although i have no idea where I will end up in 5 months.
I have a few plans or ideas, but not that have come to life yet, so not too much to say.
This year, more so than others, Im incredibly thankful and excited for a reason to have a fresh start to start anew and have a better attitude.
I’ve been in Hungary for 3 days now, on the start of the second day I realized I was getting sick, but I’ve been trying to push through, unfortunately it’s really ruined my pace.
My first day here, I saw most of Buda, visiting the old site of the castle, which is now a national gallery, and the seven hills, filled with churches, and stunning viewpoints. There are tons of cute little markets and even more not so cute gypsy’s begging for money. After, I saw Pest, again touring churches, visiting st Stephens basilica, the national opera house, and today I’ll see parliament and the museum of ethnography, and then move on.
We also have did a river cruise of the danube at night, which was wonderful, and last evening we went to a thermal mineral hot spring, to soak in the healing water, needless to say it didnt do much…
I find it hard to keep a blog while doing such…transitional traveling, moving place to place each week makes it hard to have enough time to settle in and feel confident about what I want to say…
When I arrived in Poland, I was rather excited.. but leaving Prague, which was warm and sunny, Poland was cold and grey and rainy. so the first five days in Poland or so, were a bit unpleasant. I was rather indifferent to Poland, it’s food was ok, I like pierogies…I enjoy the history, but the influence of the war and post communist or soviet economy is rather interesting to dissect.
I sit now in the airport, waiting to go to Hungary… and it was just today I actually fell in love with Poland. All of my classmates left this morning, and I was only able to say goodbye to two of them.
But I had over half a day to spend by myself, and for the city being rather small I had no idea what to do. I had no hotel room, very little money… and not much energy or enthusiasm.
I sat in the park for about 2 hours.. and watched people…beggers, families, lovers… the lovers here are abundant, in Prague too. People are very affectionate, and as in Argentina, at first it shocks me and I dislike it.. but then I grow fond of it and it warms my heart to see people in love, and usually makes me miss someone…
After I felt awkward sitting in the park, I went to the hotel, and headed to Wawel castle, grabbed a beer, and sat by the river, enjoying the sun and the day…and it was lovely…
earlier in the morning I also people watched, I sat in the main square with one of my classmates, and listened to traditional folk singing, watched a group of students dancing to something thats a mix between break dancing and shuffling called.. jumping.. and then they swarmed where we were sitting to take a picture…after, a march started, they looked like police but i had no idea.. they played instruments and one of the songs included…stars and stripes forever…
I had some golash and potato pancakes for lunch…and bought some fake raybans, and now I sit in one of the smallest airports Ive ever been in trying to decide how to spend my last 5 zlotys…
More on my adventures here… Later.